I Lost You

In impatience, in ego

I lost you

In mindfulness that are too much

I lost you

In carelessness, foolishness

I lost you since the beginning

I lost you

I lost you

Promises that we uttered

Mutually broken

Sorry that I made us this way

Wish I could make us better

I touched your hands

But didn't grab them tight

Didn't hold them right

Even more when we fight

I saw your tears

Wiped them for you once, twice

But they've never really stopped

Not with all these lies

How could I make you walk

This thorny path with me

If I couldn't even pick the roses for you

Couldn't at the very least shield you with warmth

Melting the cold, hard jabs of the world

How could I

When you did everything for me.

And I did nothing for you.

Couldn't stand me lacking too much

That it's finally wearing you down

Finally wearing you down

Finally wearing you down

You won't free yourself

And I know it's not right

To keep you in my messy life

So I let you go

Let you go now

Go now before you're broken further

And I'll get my act together

In regret forever

That I lost you.

When I become better

If in your heart you have no other

I'll come back

I'll find you…

…

…

…

That’s what I thought before.

But this moment looks me in the eye

Told me to quit harassing you

Told me to quit trying to be someone that I can never be

Quit lying to myself that I can be better

When in fact, I’ll never be able to

Because I’m never good enough in the first place

I’ve never been good enough.

In the pit of lies you’ve thrown me back into

This is not taking the easy way out

This is just getting tired of hurting us

So I’ll stay here now

And save you the hassle of reliving this hell.

Short Term Memory Defense

It's nice to have short term memory for all the bad things. But too much of a good thing don't always turn out to be good, right?

How can you settle those petty arguments when you can't even remember the insults that were said minutes before?

How can you argue fairly if what you remember is selective? Is it a curse or a disease? Either way, i don't think it's much of a blessing.

Forgetting the hate and pain is always good for healing. But forgetting without actually healing, isn't it like running away?

What do you do when you finally realize that you're running away, unintentionally? Would you cut open the wounds again to deal with them once and for all? To remove the embedded bullets? How do you recall the bitter memories that you thought were behind you and can no longer bother you?

Sometimes it feels easier to just shut things out and left it in a messy pile behind us. That is, until something comes up and forces us to return to it. But if possible, there's always the option of just letting it be until it rot away by itself, even if it nips at us once in a while. Now that, maybe I can live with. Sometimes we just develop really thick fort in our minds, where unpleasant things are not welcomed for a long stay and either get kicked out without notice, or dealt with appropriately (how fortunate of it), or just gets thrown in a dark, nearly nonexistent corner until it gets due notice, which is none, and never. Preferably.

I think short term memory may help to forget but not necessarily forgive. It could have been developed through series of very bad experiences, as a way of the brain to stay composed and keep from collapsing. Hit after hit, how long can one withstand the pressure?

The problems that we face, would we know the immediate solution every time? Some takes time, and some takes forever.

Too many questions. Help me solve this.

A Fool During A Hot Day.

If there's a river nearby or even a creek, hell, I'd take a bath in my work clothes during lunch break. Maybe I won't even wait for lunch break.

A fool during a hot day : In 5 minutes I've changed my sitting spots three times, maybe more, to find the shadiest, coolest part of this zinc-roofed, wooden cabin I'm working in. Turned out to be on the floor. Then at one corner of the wall. Oh, and under the table (tried to squeeze under but gave up, only because my hat was too big I couldn't get under comfortably). Yes, I shamelessly wear big, big hats that might have had people mistaken me as a gardening granny, shoveling earth in the middle of the road.

My face was forever frowning that you would think I am eternally constipated. My Chinese fan is getting worn out and broken.

In this kind of weather, it's a wonder that I could still feel sleepy. But my brain was still active and it's saying hothothot! I think the clock in my brain outran the time itself. How? When I thought 15 minutes had passed, the clock showed that it's only been 3. My brain is Usain Bolt and the clock is a snail! Yeah! *nonsensenonsense*

Desperate situation calls for desperate measure . . . so I took a desperate action :

Ah . . . what bliss . . . no matter how temporary it was . . . by using a wet baby wipe, my face felt heavenly refreshed . . . like a baby's bottom . . .

..............

......................

.............................

What did you mean by does it really have to be that?

What?

It's baby wipes.

Anyway, how is it? Pretty good commercial lines, huh? Hurhurhur *puke*.

Ah . . . the feeling of being refreshed by the alcohol free, paraben free cooling veil that eased the heat . . . so nice . . . I don't care anymore. Hurhurhur~~~

Weirdest Escapism And A Bad Day.

'HoneyIShrunkTheKids'ed yourself and ride an ant galloping away into the sunset? I wish.

That can be the weirdest, dumbest ultimate escapism I've ever thought of. 

Just saying. Urgh so bored. Today is one of the days in my life where you just wish u can fly anywhere and leave all problems behind and shove anything that gets in your way . . . 

. . . most probably that will be innocent birds.

After a few very, very, very hot days so hot that my face felt burned and I got wrinkle-producing eyes due to all the squinting, today's a bit windy. Today, at least while I'm writing this, is a relief albeit some things which I prefer not to go into details here for fear of causing contagious massive whiny stress reaction here. Contagious as in, once someone hits me for being whiny the others will tend to follow suit ;p.

My right arm will be bigger than my left after all that fanning.

More breakouts due to dust and heavy 'face shield' (Makeup? Ehem no0o whadareyasayinnn...protection, dude, protection...)

Fitter? Oh *blush* *wave it off* no, not skinnier, oh you're lying, i didn't go to any sauna it's just a few extra hot days, don't flatter me like that hihihihihi...

...Oh wait. I am underweight. Fitter? Tch.

If only problems can be solved with just a snap of our fingers wouldn't it be sweet? I'd go around 'expectopatronum'ing every probs out there including yours, even when you said no, shoo, go away, go to hell, I'm snapping you away and whatevercusswordsucancookupforme. Cos it's so easy. Snap, snap.

*exhales* Hokay, that be all for now. Until you can snap me away, I'll be back and I'll be here talking nonsense forever. Hurhurhur~

 

 ♥ You know that hurhurhur should sound psychotic yet stupid, right? ♥ 

Annoying Ahjumma.

Alkisahnya seorang ahjumma yang tinggal berdekatan dengan kawasan site saya . . . yang lalu lalang setiap hari sambil memandu 'kereta kotak' mahalnya dengan dagu terangkat dan spek hitam yang pasti berjenama lagi kelassss gitew! Mulanya ingatkan pangkat kakak, rupanya ahjumma . . .

Sebelum saya bercerita lebih lanjut lagi, perlulah anda semua tahu bahawa jalan masuk ke site saya yang bertar ialah simpang tiga (jika dikira pintu masuk ke site yg tidak bertar jadilah simpang 4 lebih kurangnya), dikelilingi kawasan perumahan dan jalannya muat-muat 2 lane sahaja. Jika ingin meyumbat motosikal di tengah-tengah ketika 2 lane itu ada kereta maka tidaklah boleh gamaknya. Oleh kerana kawasan site yang belum ditambak habis adalah agak kecil, maka lori yang datang mengangkut tanah perlulah masuk ke simpang kanan atau kiri terlebih dahulu untuk masuk ke dalam site secara reverse. Ini membolehkan mereka keluar dari site tanpa sebarang kesulitan (skema siott explanation.).

Mari teruskan pembacaan, mari!

Kejadian 1 : 

Lori tengah masuk simpang, pemandu lori tengah menggulung kanvas di belakang lori. Datanglah kereta kotak tersebut dari belakang tanpa segan silu dan tanpa berlengah sesaat, atau lebih tepat lagi tanpa memberi kesempatan langsung untuk sebarang respon terbit dari kami, terus . . . 

"Pin."

Agak terkocohla pemandu lori ingin mereverse lorinya setelah menerima hon kasih sayang dan renungan tajam dari ahjumma tersebut.

Actually spek hitam kelassssnya itu memang tak lekang dari mata ahjumma tersebut so tak tau la dia lemparkan renungan tajam ke tidak, tapi auranya seperti itulah. Hurhurhur.

Kejadian 2 : 

Sama seperti di atas. (Plis la, perlukah tambah jugak? Hurhurhur.)

Kejadian 3 : 

Saya bersama rakan sekerja tengah membuang sisa-sisa tanah di atas jalan supaya jalan tidak kotor (kalau kotor, haruslah penduduk di situ mengadakan sesi komplen mengomplen.) Maka dengan gaya yang agak 'jalan ini bapak aku yang punyaaaaa haahahaaahaha' kami pun sodok menyodok sisa tanah (taik lori kata orang hihi) itu. Ahjumma itu datang dengan senyap lagi. Nasib baiklah kami cepat sedar lalu memberikan laluan. Namun menurut eyewitness di situ (chewah), ahjumma itu masih sempat membuat mimik muka menyampah sambil menggelengkan kepala.

Sebenarnya jalan tersebut masih muat untuk dilalui walaupun ketika kami tengah memburuhkan diri di tengah panas itu . . . musykil jugak hati ini, kenapa ahjumma nak tunggu jugak kami mengalihkan diri ke tepian rumput nan menghijau di tepi jalan? Kenapa ahjumma tak biar saja kami buat kerja kami dan ahjumma lalu saja? Kereta ahjumma 'kotak mesin basuh', bukan 'kotak freezer' . . .

Terkena lagi daku oleh dikau kan ahjumma . . .

Kejadian 4 : 

Lori tanah datang lagi. Kali ini lori itu baru sahaja masuk ke simpang dan ingin mereverse. Namun malang nasibnya, ahjumma tiba-tiba sahaja telah sampai di belakang lorinya dalam sekelip mata dan terus enggan berganjak. Dalam keadaan jalan yang sempit ahjumma tetap berdegil dengan garangnya walaupun kami meminta dengan baik supaya memberi sedikiiiiiiit lagi ruang untuk lori. Buat beberapa ketika lori begitu terkial-kial berusaha mereverse. Setelah lori berjaya melepasi 'obstacle from hell' itu, ahjumma itu dengan muka masam mengangkat tangannya dengan gaya 'piiiirah' sambil mulut terkumat kamit. Mungkin menyumpah seranah, tapi memandangkan tingkapnya tidak dibuka, saya fikir mungkin dia sedang menyanyi lagu hindustan di dalam kereta kotaknya itu, siapa tahu kan?

Kejadian 5 : 

Tragedi petang Julai ini berlaku kepada diri saya sendiri. Dalam perjalanan menuju ke site, terdapat kereta yang parking di tepi jalan jadi saya pun terpaksa memandu ke tengah jalan sedikit. Tiba-tiba ternampak ahjumma datang dari arah depan. Memandangkan saya tengah melintasi kereta yang parking di tepi itu, saya terus jalan saja la kan. Makin cepat saya lalu makin cepat jalan itu clear untuk ahjumma itu pula yang nak lalu. Namun ahjumma terus mendrive keretanya tanpa menunggu jalan clear dan kereta kami berselisih dengan jarak yang aaaammmmaaaaaaattt kecil sekali (kalau letak semut kat tengah tu pun mesti semut penyek. Over kan perumpamaan ku itew..?? Hurhurhur.) Dahlah sempit begitu, telinga ku yang agak pekak badak ini sempat pula menangkap bunyi THUD! Homaigadddd bunyi apakah itu!?

Dengan panas hatinya saya meneruskan perjalanan. Ahjumma itu pula of kos terus jalan saja. Sesampai di site saya check kereta. Syukurlah cecar (sebutannya kekar ya, untuk car. Alah macam beboy and gegurl gitu hurhurhur uwekkkk) saya sihat walafiat. Jadi apakah bunyi THUD! itu? Sehingga kini ahjumma tidak tampil membincangkan jawapan kepada persoalan itu dengan kami. (Puhleeeez . . .*facepalm* ini respon ahjumma gamaknya kan)

Anyway, inilah kisah annoying ahjumma untuk tatapan anda. Jadikan sebagai sempadan, takut-takut terjumpa pemandu lori yang panas baran, tak ke dilenyeknya kereta kita kan kan. Tidak akan ada warning-warning dengan hon dah . . . reverse terus PRAPPP. Ok gua chow dulu (oh? nampaknya lepas meluah perasaan terus menjadi gengster). 

Pin. PIN. 

PIN PIN PIN PIN PIN!!

ahjumma = makcik

Me Vs. Them

Back...With Exaggerations.

It's been years . . .

The precious piece of land that I had unintentionally left temporarily in pursuit of a better future, nags at me in my mind. It must have decided that the abandonment was too much, and called out to me, time and time again. I looked towards the voice, but I didn't stop for it. And it was left waiting . . . patiently, with the slightest hint of 'If i have arms and legs imma come strangle you. Make you die several times.'.

. . .
. . .
. . . 
 

But no, it have no arms, and no legs either.

Heh.

I miss the scribble-like writings that told the world what's in my mind. I miss hearing the melodious lullaby that filled the air whenever I push open the gate into this 'garden'. I miss finding things to go with every scribbles that I put out on its walls. 

But there were always other things that pulled me away, entertained me better, made me busier, made me forget.

Until now, finally . . . I am able to look again, finding the excitement that are calming. Returning to this piece of garden that I built with ♥ and care . I'm now here again.

To put it simply . . .

Here now, at my own sweet corner . . . to blog again . . .

  I AM BACK, BEYBEH !  

 


(And sorry, will still be exaggerating in the future. )

Pengembaraan Yang Fana Bersama Si Amfibia

Chewargh. Tajuk bukan main lagi. Memang pengembaraan ini hanya berlaku dalam tempoh masa yang sekejap. Mungkin korang dah puas buat ni masa zaman kanak-kanak korang tapi aku baru dapat explore sekarang. Huehuehue...~

 WARNING! Tidak sesuai untuk mereka yang penggeli / musuh hewan dua alam.

Masa tengah kerja, daku merenung ke dalam lopak air yang tidak berapa jernih di hujung kakiku yang terjuntai. Bukan tilik nasib dalam air k. Dan...eh??? Apakah itu? Inilah permulaannya...

 

Wauu...katak yang masih separa berudu!! Ada ekor lagi. Ambil gambar jap. (dengan nada yang jakun)

Beberapa hari selepas itu...renung lagi dalam lopak air yang tak kering-kering dek hujan yang kerap...(yer keja daku masa tu memang banyak merenung termenung kau memang da bomb)...eh eh! Macam biji selasih...is that what i think it is?? *ambik kayu kuis-kuis* Jeli itu tetap terapung-apung dengan rileksnya. Confirmed! itu telur katak. Banyaaaakkkk melekat dekat kayu...dalam lopak-lopak lain pun ada (ahaha sempat check lopak lain lagi. Side effect daripada penemuan sains ini : rutin harian yang flat berubah)

Cuba tengok gambar ni lama-lama. Testimoni dua saksi : tengok banyak kali makin geli. Konpius pun ada, telur katak atau buih-buih? Hahaha...yucks...

Bagaikan seorang ahli hewanologi (istilah buatan sendiri untuk pakar hewan) yang memantau spesies yang hampir pupus, hari-hari daku pergi tengok perkembangan anak-anak Amfibia katako sp. tersebut. Daripada satu titik hitam dalam kantung telur, bentuk berudu mula kelihatan. Daku pun *kachak!*kachak!* ambil gambar lagi.

Lama-lama berudu mula menetas sikit-sikit. 'Ular' kepala gedabak ekor ketot yang bersaiz mini tersebut walaubagaimanapun tidak berapa aktif. Tidak sabar daku menunggu mereka semua membesar lalu menjadi separa berudu dan akhirnya menjadi katak mini yang kiut. (katak yang dah besar daku tak mahu, tak berapa kiut.)

Namun itu hanya tinggal angan-angan. Akibat cuaca yang semakin panas dan hujan yang semakin jarang turun, air lopak semakin mengering. Tiada lagi jeli yang mengalami proses tumbesaran dan tiada lagi berudu yang baru makan ubat batuk (sebab tak aktif, macam tido, gerak sikit-sikit je). The last survivor adalah!:

Selepas itu semuanya menghilang dan lopak yang dahulunya kaya air kini menjadi padang jarak padang tekukur...baibai Amfibia katako sp. Terima kasih untuk pengembaraan sains yang jakun ini...mahahahahaaa. (sambil gelak ala-ala saintis weirdo) Sob sob.

Pile War : To Fight Or Not To Fight?

Pile Soldiers : *doing their job, patrolling leisurely*

Spy I and II : *watching, watching from afar*

Pile Soldiers : *kill villagers freely*

Spy I and II : We can't let this go on! *advance towards the soldiers*

Pile Soldiers : ???

Spy I and II : We are national security guards! Drop your weapons and surrender!

Pile Soldiers : Why should we? We own this area! You have no rights to order us!

Spy I and II : We protect the innocent citizens and you've committed a heinous crime!

Pile Soldiers : We came first, who are you dumb guards to challenge us? This is our territory!

Spy I and II : This is our land, and it is our duties to protect it and the people. Surrender!!

Pile Soldiers : !@#$%^* (please cover your child's eyes from reading this obscenities)

Spy I and II : *totally pissed off.  Then suddenly...*

POOF!

Oh...it's just a nightmare...

Macam suasana kes Lahad Datu saja...tapi suasana ini adalah metafora untuk situasi dalam alam pekerjaan. Yelah, dalam menjalankan peranan atau tanggungjawab masing-masing, kadang-kadang terpaksa berperang. Dan dalam peperangan itu...

...spesifikasi kerja yang telah ditetapkan dilanggar atas dasar kononnya pengalaman lebih berkuasa...

...dan kerana itu yang muda dipaksa untuk mengalah pada yang tua...

...yang tua rasa tidak dihormati dan dipercayai... 

...yang muda dianggap berlagak pandai walaupun hanya menjalankan tanggungjawab sahaja...

Why?? Apa yang susah sangat nak ikut spec kerja yang taklah berat mana pun jika dibandingkan dengan risiko yang timbul jika tak ikut? Pengalaman, tidak dapat dinafikan adalah sesuatu yang amat berharga. Tapi tak semestinya pengalaman masa lepas yang ada itu mampu cover masa depan yang kita tak mampu ramal. Just saying la...

To fight or not to fight? Fight, dikata berlagak, mengada. Tak fight, dipijak-pijak.

~Sekian coretan ringkas yang meletup manja dari Gunung Berapi~ KrakatoaCheumdaDeukta hari ini.

P/s: dialog di atas dibuat secara simple bodo sahaja...zero nilai estetika!

Cups by Anna Kendrick : Remade Version

From the movie Pitch Perfect, there's this song called Cups sung by Anna Kendrick. I like her voice and the way she sang it. You can find the vid on Youtube or, better still, find and watch the movie! If you haven't yet. Heh heh.

But I'm changing the lyrics...

I've got my ticket for the long way round
Two cans of Pepsi for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I'm leaving tomorrow what-do-you-say?

When you're gone, when you're gone
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
I'm gonna miss you by your hair
I'm gonna miss you everywhere, oh
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

I've got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains, it's got rivers
It's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone, when I'm gone
You're missing me too when I'm gone
Oh I'm missing you by your walk
Yeah I'm missing you by your talk, oh
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

For the original lyrics, see here. There's not much difference, though =)

Anyway, the song is relaxed, and the way Anna use the cup to make music is brilliantttt~~ If I'm not mistaken she learned the move online. Anyway, the song has such a warm country feel to it, don't you think? I imagined it to be a nice train ride, with nice views (of course)...*lost in imagination*

   Yes, just for 'you'.  =)  

Sedar Tak Sedar Dah CNY. Ah, Jay Chou, Running Man dan Pitch Perfect~

Happy Chinese New Year pada mereka yang menyambut~~~

Ah, seminggu dah tak berbluggie (berblog)...sedar tak sedar dah CNY. Sempena Chinese New Year saya nak share klipvid Jay Chou 'Qi Li Xiang' - Orange Jasmine yang kiut! Really one of my fav song by my fav singer. Tapi saya rasa better buka dalam window lain sebab background music dari blog ni akan menyelit dan mengganggu juga dengan bangganya... Kalau kat bawah tu ada keluar music player dia, at least boleh la pause music or turn off kan? Apa nak buat...

Sekarang zaman tido awal, tak ada dah zaman tido ala pak guard syif malam. ---> (takda kesinambungan cerita langsung dengan perenggan sebelum!! Takpa, ini ialah bluggie bukan ujian karangan BM) Keja sekarang banyak exercise kecuali ujan (kalau hari ujan otomatik jadi orang Eskimo, duduk dalam kabin beraircond yang macam igloo itu). Naik turun tangga, kalau tak tangga tinggi tangga pendak, tak tangga pendek, tangga comel, tak tangga comel tangga huduh. Kalau berat tak turun, memang mujur la..Hahaha...tak lama lagi pasti kaki bermuscle cam Kim Joong Kook (orang minat Korea tau la.) Sapa tengok Running Man? Ye, saya memang slow, orang dah halfway through baru nak terhegeh-hegeh nak join. Tapi janji best!!! Hahaha...sekarang lepas balik keja selalu mengadap Running Man, satu hari satu episod, bluggie tidak diendahkan kerana kekurangan idea. Sampai anak buah pun join tengok sekali. Memang best + lawak, kalau nak release stress boleh la try take a peek...

Satu lagi bukti kesiputan (slow) saya ialah baru nak gila dengan movie Pitch Perfect. Memang tak boleh nak diselamatkan...haha. Mari tengok sedikit sedutan dari movie ni. Walaupun vid gelap sikit tapi soundnya ok la jugak...Kalau nak vid yang lagi jelas, leh try cari lagi kat Youtube. Hehe. :

 

Ala-ala High School Musical kan...cuma dia buat stail acapella...nice spirits~ Especially Fat Amy yang konfiden, memang respek la...movie ni memang funny + witty. No heavy drama, ada la sikit-sikit (alah kalau tak drama tak sah la kan ;D ), relax ja tengok. Tapi ada la bongok2 jugak. Pegila tengok pegila. (gua tak paksa k. Walaupun ayat macam memaksa tapi tiada paksaan fizikal yang digunakan macam sua muncung pistol ke letak pisau kat leher ke)

Oklah, itu saja...saja nak berbluggie sempena tengah cuti CNY ni. Nanti bluggie merajuk. Tapi, bluggie merajuk takpa lagi, kalau orang merajuk? Uhuu...terkedu sorang, terkapai2 nak pujuk la jawabnya lagi-lagi kalau salah kita...hawhawhaw.

P/s: Walaupun bukan karangan BM, pakai saya-saya jugak. Kesopanan dan kesusilaan yang tak full. Haha.