If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 6 (FINAL)

Continued from If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 1, Story Pt. 2, Story Pt. 3, Story Pt. 4 and Story Pt. 5

"Mandy!"

   Jeremy finally reached his room, panting for air. He saw Mandy sitting on the window sill, looking out at the night sky. When she turned, her face seemed paler, washed by the moonlight. "Don't turn the lights on, Jeremy," she said softly when his hand reached for the switch. He slumped on his bed, facing her, couldn't utter even a word.

"Now you know."

   Her voice came out as a half-whisper. Even though the room was a bit dark, Jeremy could see the light outside, reflected in her expression. Her tears. She spoke again. "I am not real, Jeremy. No one can see me except you." Jeremy did not seem surprised at this. He just looked at his feet. "All this time, I acted as if people can see me, when the truth is, I can walk around your house wherever and whenever I want to. I told you I'm good at hiding, didn't I? Well, that's true, in a way. You never asked me how I got up on that tree although almost everyday I watched you during your classes. You didn't insist on knowing the answers, why I came to your house, where I got my food, where's my parents...you probably think that you didn't have the heart to ask me, but actually, it's part of the charm put on you by my existence. Because...if you ask too much, I wouldn't be able to stay with you. How am I supposed to answer those questions, right? You would be too curious to just accept it. I can't...tell you that I'm...dead." Saying the word 'dead' seemed to be really painful for her. It is, for Jeremy. He somehow felt guilty. He didn't do anything to ease her sufferings. His memory traveled back to the day when a man stared at him when he was outside the music store, talking to Mandy. He had thought that it was because of his torn jeans, but now he understood. It was because he was talking to no one. The man couldn't see Mandy. She's a ghost. That's why the librarian shushed him, and him only. She couldn't see nor hear Mandy either.

"I guess it's time to say goodbye."

   When he heard that, Jeremy sat up straight and said, "No." Mandy just looked tiredly at him. He fumbled for the right words to say. "Mandy, you...you can stay, as long as you like. I...don't mind. Really. I'm not...I'm not afraid of you."

"Jeremy, I'm dead! I should be gone by now. I should be grateful to have had my wish fulfilled..."

"Your wish?"

   Jeremy didn't quite understand. But Mandy just said, "I want you to know that I cherish your presence in my life, even if we've never even talked before."

"I'm the one who's supposed to say that, Mandy."

   Mandy laughed bitterly. She held up her hand. "See this bracelet? It was given to me to keep me here. It gave me physical form and enabled you to see me..."

"...but it is no longer of use."

   She raised her hand higher. "Jeremy, always stay strong and fight for what you believe in. But if the right thing to do is to let go, never regret your decision. Believe me, I know." Jeremy just looked straight at her. He somehow knew what was coming, but he stayed frozen on his bed, his mind blank. Mandy smiled. Such sadness in her smile that to Jeremy, it was not a smile at all.

"Goodbye, Jeremy."

    Then, she smashed her wrist against the window sill.

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   Jeremy jumped in shock, at both the act and the loud sound of it. When he blinked, there was no Mandy standing there anymore. Something glinted under the moonlight that streamed in through the window and caught his eyes: Mandy's broken bracelet. Even as he watched, it slowly fades from his sight.

   Jeremy let himself fell backwards on the bed and closed his eyes. He didn't bother to move, and stayed that way until morning came.

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   Jeremy woke up to the name of him being called. He sat up in a flash. "Mandy?"

   His mother yelled again. "Jeremy, breakfast's ready! Come down and eat." Heaving a sigh, Jeremy plonked back down on his bed. He remembered the bag Lily gave him. Ignoring his mother's call, Jeremy emptied everything from the bag onto the bed. There's a picture album, a book, Amanda's class ring, a pendant and a present box, apart from her framed photo. He opened the photo album first. They contained photos of Mandy, but when he turned over the next few pages, he was surprised to discover photos of him too. A lot of Mandy's photos were taken with him in the background. There were also his class pictures and a few from those football matches he participated in.

   Next was the book. It had maroon cloth covering and on the front cover, Mandy had written 'All About Amanda Maxson and Jeremy Dicken'. It was diary, in which Mandy had written only about her and Jeremy. She wrote that she went to all his matches, her feelings towards him and her shy intention of giving him her class ring as a sign of her deep affection. She put a small photo of him along with hers in her locket, which she wore all the time. She expressed her hope that one day, she would be brave enough to confess to him. But that hope was shattered when she found out about her medical condition.

   Jeremy took the oval-shaped pendant and opened it. Inside were his photo on the right half and Mandy's on the left. He stared at it for a moment before continuing his reading.

   On one page, Mandy mentioned about her '7 Wishes'.

♥   I hope that Jeremy is always happy.

♥   I want to share his joy, but more importantly, his sadness.

♥   Master cooking all his favorite food!

♥   I wish he would know how much I like love him.

♥   Want to be with him, even only for a short time.

♥   Maybe I want to be his wife! =)

♥   If only, if only, if only it's possible, I wish I could spend the rest of my life with him, only him!

     Jeremy was overwhelmed.  Mandy's 7 wishes was written simply and maybe a bit childish, but all seven concerning him. Of all seven, only a few were fulfilled. He couldn't be high-spirited all the time, but Mandy did make him happy being with her, although he did got mad several times. And Jeremy knew that she had gotten her number four and five wishes.

   His mother knocked and opened the door. "Jeremy, your breakfast's getting cold!" She caught sight of Mandy's things. "What's that?" Quickly Jeremy put both his arms protectively over them.

"Nothing, just my stuff. Can you leave my breakfast in the microwave? I'll heat it up later."

   Seeing his mother all dressed up, Jeremy asked, "Are you going out?"

"Yes, dear. We're invited to lunch with a friend of your father. Remember Uncle Peter? You'll be fine by yourself, right?"

"Yeah, don't worry. Have a blast."

"Thanks, honey."

   After his mother closed the door, Jeremy returned his attention to Mandy's diary. The rest of her entries all depicted her sick days, but she never mentioned it directly. Jeremy read on until he reached the second last page. Mandy wrote about the present she intended to give anonymously to Jeremy on his next birthday. At this point Jeremy stopped to calculate the days left until his birthday. Two weeks! He hadn't realized it was coming near. If only Mandy could stay a bit longer, they probably could celebrate his birthday together, he thought.

   For his birthday present, she had chosen a Rolex watch. She really indulged in it because, as she sadly pointed out the diary, she doesn't have much time left and she 'might not be around for the next, next and next birthdays'. Jeremy looked at his present, which was wrapped with a red wrapping paper that got heart shaped patterns on it. He resolved not to open it until the day of his birthday.

   On the last page, Mandy had written: 'This is where the entries end, because I couldn't write no more. My physical being will be gone, six feet under, but my feelings will live with the memories. This diary is the window to my heart, ever since my world revolved around you. Jeremy, if only you knew how much I love you...'

   Jeremy closed the book and laid on his bed. He fingered the pendant, then held it up higher to see. His smiling face, obviously cut out from his class photo, and Mandy's smiling face looked back at him. Jeremy wondered how would his life be if Mandy hadn't come to him. He wondered about the strange bracelet. He wondered about the realness of it all. Her brief presence had indeed changed his life.

   He looked up at the white ceiling and gripped the pendant tightly in his palm. "If only, Mandy..." he said aloud.

"...if only you knew how much I love you too."

- THE END -

If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 5

Continued from If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 1, Story Pt. 2, Story Pt. 3 and Story Pt. 4

   The next day, both Jeremy and Mandy got the shock of their life when Lily suddenly appeared at his college. She was waiting outside his class when Jeremy greeted her.

"Lily? What are you doing here?"

"Is that you, Jeremy? You've changed a lot! Err...got some time to spare? I really need to talk to you. Just tell me the time and the place."

"Well, sure...let's see.. can you meet me at Joylife afterwards, 5 o'clock?"

   Lily agreed. After she left, Mandy looked agitated. "Jeremy..." She appeared hesitant.

"What?"

"Can you go see her next Monday? I w-...I want to go to the park with you this evening."

"Can't we go tomorrow? I'm sure what she wants to tell me is important, Mandy. She looked serious."

"Maybe she just wants to hang out. She'll understand. I really want to go to the park today. Please..."

   Jeremy was torn between Mandy and Lily. But Mandy just wanted to go to the park, which they can do anytime, so he decided that he would meet Lily. "I'm sorry, Mandy. How could we know that it isn't a serious matter if I don't go? I'll go to the park with you first thing tomorrow morning, okay? Tomorrow's Friday, and I don't have any classes."

   Mandy was not satisfied. However, the professor came in at that moment and she had to go out. The next time Jeremy saw her, she was on that tree branch again, looking mournfully at him. Maybe she was sad because I can't spend time with her today, he thought.

   After his class ended, Jeremy waited for Mandy but she did not appear. He then gave her another 15 minutes, but it was getting late and he figured that she was sulking and didn't want to join him. Thus he went alone to the fastfood joint. Lily was already there.

"Hi, Jeremy."

"Hi, sorry to keep you waiting. I waited for Mandy but she didn't show up."

"Mandy?"

"Yes, my friend."

"Oh, I see..."

   Looking a bit confused at first, Lily then grew serious. "I came to see you about my friend. She-" Lily stopped mid-sentence when Jeremy suddenly got up and rushed out of the restaurant. Her eyes followed him and saw that he was talking to somebody. It had started to rain and the large glass window blurred. She squinted her eyes, trying to see the person he was talking to. Who is it? She thought.

   Jeremy, in fact, had seen Mandy standing outside looking at them. She had tears in her eyes. That's why he rushed out and confronted her.

"Mandy! Why didn't you come in? And...you're crying."

   Mandy lifted up her face to look at him, traces of tears glistened on her cheeks. "Is it because I won't go to the park?" Jeremy asked, but she just kept silent. Then as she turned away, she said, "Go on. Meet her. We'll talk when you get back."

"Are you sure?"

   Mandy again did not answer. She just walked away slowly, and Jeremy knew that it would be useless to try to stop her. Besides, she already told him to go ahead, so he thought it would be better if he talk to Lily first. Knowing how stubborn Mandy was, she probably would end up pushing him into the restaurant herself if he kept on talking to her. So he went back inside. Lily had already ordered a Coke for him.

"Thanks. It's my favorite drink."

"I know."

   Jeremy looked at Lily. "How?" She smiled half-heartedly. "That's what I'm going to tell you." She took a long breath.

"I had a friend who had a really huge crush on you since high school. Her name's Amanda Maxson. She's the one who told me about your favorite drink..."

   Jeremy laughed. "I had a secret admirer? I can't believe it! Is that all? You were pretty serious about this." Lily remained uptight and continued her story.

"We, me and you, often bumped into each other before and Amanda was with me most of the time. I saw her getting excited every time. I saw her face turned red, walking awkwardly hoping that you notice her yet was too shy to get closer. Tidied up her hair, conscious of her appearance, writing it all into her diary...in short, I saw her efforts concerning you. But sadly, you seemed to never notice her. That foolish girl never had the courage to confess."

   Jeremy just sat there, not knowing what to say.

"Four months ago, I learned why. She got brain tumor."

   At this, his head jerked up. Tears had welled up in Lily's eyes. "She never told me. Only after her condition got worse did she asked to see me. We talked a lot and our parents agreed to let me stay with her these last few months. She mentioned your name frequently but sadly, she refused when I volunteered to get you."

   Lily took out a paper bag from under the table. "I hope you'll accept this, as a remembrance of her. I think it's a real pity that you didn't get the chance to know her, Jeremy." Jeremy was speechless. He took the bag and opened it. There was a framed picture of Amanda, and a small notebook. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and closed the bag.

"I guess I better get going. Thanks for telling me about this. I'll keep this with special care."

   Leaving his drink untouched, Jeremy proceeded to pay but Lily stopped him, saying it was her treat. They eventually parted ways outside Joylife.

   On his way home, Jeremy felt totally confused and numb. He never thought that one day he could get involved in a situation like this. He walked as fast as he could, nearly running, as he couldn't wait to reach home and talk to Mandy.

- To Be Continued -

* Sikit-sikit brain tumor lah, leukemia lah, cancer lah, autumn in my heart lah...ye, tau korang mesti bosan kan? Cheit, typical kisah cinta muntah hijau kuning-kuning spageti, ada-ada je penyakit kritikal! *tunduk akur*

Continued in If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 6 (Final)

If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 4

Continued from If Only You Knew- Story Pt. 1, Story Pt. 2 and Story Pt. 3

    The next few days went as usual, except for the fact that Mandy followed Jeremy around like a shadow.

   He was in class and was taking notes when he saw a little movement outside the window. Mandy was sitting on a tree branch, waving at him gleefully. Gaping, he could not tear his eyes from her for fear that she would fall. "Get down!" he mouthed. She just shook her head, pointed at the professor, then at him before making a gesture of someone jotting down something. Jeremy understood that she wanted him to continue with his lesson but he couldn't help looking out every few minutes. Each time he looked, she would wave happily. 

"Jeremy! Do you want to jump out of the window that much? I will gladly help you. You're not paying attention!"

   The professor was very angry and everyone turned their heads to look at Jeremy. Feeling completely humiliated, he muttered, "Sorry prof," before looking out one last time, only to see Mandy laughing helplessly on the branch. God, she was such a distraction!

   Another time Jeremy was meeting some friends at Joylife. He choke on his coke when he saw her standing just outside the glass window, watching him. His nose stung like crazy because of the carbonated drink and his friends laughed at him. She then stuck out her tongue before walking away. Apparently she was angry for not being invited to join his hangout. What a buzzkill!

   And when he was at the library, Mandy would stand opposite him on the other side of the rack. Whenever Jeremy took out a book, there she was, peeking and smiling through the gap. At first he was startled, but as she did it all the time, he eventually got used to it. He once asked her, "Don't you have anything else to do? You are becoming my shadow, Mandy." She just clasped her hands together and said, "How I wish to!" with a dreamy expression. Jeremy just stared at her without a word, then went to another rack. Mandy followed him closely and continued, "Nope, I have nothing else to do. I never cared about that anymore."

"Why?"

"Why is not a good question."

"Then what and how should I ask?"

"Well, you can try something like, 'Aren't you hungry, Mandy?'"

"Aren't you hungry, Mandy? Where did you get your food, anyway?"

   Mandy was exasperated. "Oh, forget it!" Jeremy laughed. They talked, until the librarian came, pointed sternly at Jeremy than put a finger to her lips. After she was gone, Jeremy whispered to Mandy, "Was I too loud?" Mandy just shrugged and grinned.

   The funniest incident was when they tried to save a kitten. They were walking home from the library when Mandy saw a large bulldog cornering a kitten. She tugged at Jeremy's sleeve. "Jeremy, look." He turned his head and saw the dog growling ferociously at the trembling kitten. "Chase it away, Jeremy." Mandy pushed him towards the dog.

"What? No, you go."

"You're the one who's supposed to. You're a boy!"

"I don't want to have my butt ripped off, thank you! I'm putting aside my manly ego, Mandy. Seeing how concerned you are, why don't you go?"

   Mandy glared at Jeremy and said, "Coward." Then she turned to the dog. "Shoo! Bad dog! Shoo! Bad dog, your name must be Jeremy! You're as bad as him! Shoohh!!" Jeremy was just about to retort angrily at her reference of the dog to him when it turned and slowly inched towards her, still growling. Mandy became more nervous but still managed to irritate Jeremy more. "Even the dog hates you , Jeremy. Look how angry it is." Seeing the situation, Jeremy picked up a stone and threw it at the dog.

"GRRR! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!"

   What happened next was really unforgettable. The dog would have went for Jeremy if not for Mandy who pulled his hand and ran. They sprinted as fast as they can with the dog close at their heels. It only stopped chasing after they entered a park, when Mandy tripped and fell down a slope, taking Jeremy with her. They rolled all the way down, finally coming to rest at the bottom, next to the man-made Golden Lake. The bulldog can still be heard barking.

   Jeremy was still breathing hard from the run. He looked at Mandy, who suddenly giggled. "Hey, never say.." he imitated her voice, "...'Bad dog!' to a very, very angry dog. You even said I'm as bad as that dog!" She laughed, then replied.

"Hey, never throw stones at a very, very angry dog! You're not only bad, but kind of stupid too! We might not have to run if you didn't do that earlier."

   At hearing that, Jeremy chuckled. "I'm not stupid! It was just a reflex. Who knows what would happen if I didn't? At least we saved the cat." Soon they were laughing their head off.

"Did you see the way I ran? I think I left my guts behind!"

"Lucky you, then. I thought I lost half my skirt on our way here, seeing how that dog kept snapping at me!"

"Now you know why I didn't care about my, what did you call it? Oh ya, manly ego."

   Jeremy pronounced the words with such a flourish that both were in stitches again. When they were done laughing, Mandy rested her hands on her forehead, exhausted. "Oh my God, Jeremy, I haven't laughed this hard in ages!" Jeremy agreed with her. Then he saw the bracelet on her wrist.

"That's a pretty bracelet."

   Mandy couldn't registered it at first. "What? Bracelet?...Oh, this one." She looked at it like she had never seen it before. "Yes, it's...beautiful..." The bracelet was black in colour and a few white stones are embedded in it. What made it beautiful was that the stones seemed to pulsate with a dim light every second. Mandy looked at it for a while, than got up abruptly. "Oh well, I don't need it actually. At least not now. I think I'll keep it in the drawer." Jeremy was puzzled.

   "Why not just wear it? It looks pretty on you. You look pretty wearing it." He then added in a soft but convincing voice, "Really." 

   Mandy blushed, but she pretended like it was nothing "You think so? Hey, it's getting late. We should be home by now. Let's get going." Then she walked ahead, leaving Jeremy to catch up with her.

   Both had a small smile playing on their lips.

- To Be Continued -

Continued in If Only you Knew - Story Pt. 5

If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 3

Continued from If Only you Knew - Story Pt. 1 and If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 2

   Jeremy nearly fell due to shock, and a curse slipped off his tongue. "Shit..jeez, Mandy, can't you ask before you come in next time? This is my room, for God's sake!" Mandy just smiled.

"Sorry..."

"How did you come in? Luckily my mom didn't see you just now."

"I just jumped out of  her sight as she opened the door. I thought she saw me, and I was scared stiff! Thank goodness she didn't. Anyway, the front door wasn't locked, so I crept in and found your room. Wheew...."

 Mandy acted as if to wipe off imaginary sweat on her forehead. Jeremy just rolled his eyes and proceeded to change his shirt.

"Aaaahh!!"

   Jeremy spun around quickly, only to find the girl covering her eyes with the palms of her hands. "What are you afraid of?" He asked. Mandy gestured towards the wardrobe, when actually she intended to point towards his abdomen. Her eyes were shut tight.

"Put on your shirt quickly."

"Haha...are you embarrassed, Mandy? If you're going to live here, you have to get used to it."

"I know! Would you please put on your shirt now?"

   Jeremy thought the way Mandy reacted was funny, so he reckoned he would play the joke on her and see how she takes to it. "You are afraid, aren't you? Gruaa...gruaahhh..." He went closer to her. "Mandy...Mandy...the sexy monster is gonna eat you...yumyum..."

"Stay away!"

"The monster is coming to get you...I'm gonna crush your bones..."

   Jeremy made to touch her upraised hands. "Oo0o0o..."

"AaaAaAhHhh!"

   Mandy, in her panic, had stuck a foot out and kicked Jeremy...right where she should not have. Hearing Jeremy yelped, she opened her eyes and saw him sprawled on the floor. She didn't know whether to laugh or not. Then a voice rang from below.

"Jeremy, what took u so long? Come down now!"

    Jeremy managed to choke out, "Yes, Mom." in a strangled voice. He took his shirt and put it on. Looking at Mandy angrily, he hissed, "What did you do that for? I was just joking, stupid!" Tearful Mandy whispered an apology, then giggled to herself after he stormed out of the room.

   When the dinner was over and his parents are sitting in the living room with his aunt, Jeremy stole up to his room and found Mandy asleep on his bed. Her face was peaceful, as if she didn't care for the world what was happening around her, and Jeremy became unconsciously enchanted by her sleeping expression. It was like he can almost feel the serenity in her slumber world. He waked her cautiously.

 "Mandy. Wake up. Don't you feel hungry?"

   Mandy stirred. Then she sat upright so suddenly that her forehead hit Jeremy's. For the third time that day, Jeremy said, "Ow." But this time it was not a yell. It was a resigned, quiet one. Besides, his family's downstairs and he didn't want them barging into the room and discover Mandy. Needless to say, the hit was so hard that he thought he was beginning to see stars.

   "Jeremy! Ow..my God that hurts...are you okay? I'm truly sorry...I was dreaming and you woke me up and I remembered that I was sleeping on your bed and that gave you no place to sleep and-...I'm so, so sorry...do you need some ice? Where's the ice? In the kitchen, fridge, yes, I'll get it for you..." Her head was hurting too but Mandy was really concerned about Jeremy and she blabbered until Jeremy stopped her.

"Mandy, stop talking okay? It hurts more hearing you talk like that."

    Mandy clammed up immediately. After a minute, she asked worriedly. "Does it still hurt?" Jeremy pressed his forehead a bit. 

"Just a bit."

"I'll go down and get you some ice."

"No, there's no need. Besides, my family's down there."

"In the living room, right? Don't you worry, I won't get caught."

"Mandy-"

   Mandy was out of the room before Jeremy could stop her. He was anxious, and felt relieved after she came back quickly. "Thanks, you're pretty quick."

   "You're welcome. I practically ran most of the way, but they didn't notice me. I was.." she lowered her voice to a whisper, "...really, really quiet." Then she smiled. Jeremy noticed that she had a very pretty smile, the one that lit up her face. Very refreshing. He suddenly remembered.

"Mandy, you haven't eaten since afternoon!"

"Oh, yes...I...didn't noticed."

"You on starvation or what? Let me get you something."

"It's okay, I'm not hungry."

"Don't lie...I'm your host, I really should-"

"I told you it's okay. I've eaten, I'm still full. Really."

"Just now you said-"

'Oh, just- never mind that! I ate when you were downstairs."

    Mandy then added hastily, "But don't think that I stole your food. I went out to get it, through the pipe. I climbed down." She gestured at the long pipe outside his window. Jeremy was skeptical even when Mandy looked straight into his eyes to convince him. And she couldn't held her gaze for long. She sighed. "Jeremy, I only sleep here, okay? Food and the rest, I can take care of it myself. Just trust me. Now, I'm sure you're sleepy. I'll sleep on the floor."

"Are you sure about this? Bout just sleeping here and nothing else? And you should have the bed, you know. Or do you want to share it?"

    "Don't you dare to even dream of sharing the bed!" Mandy warned, seeing the cheeky grin on Jeremy's face. He insisted that she takes the bed, but she refused, saying that she had had enough. "Put aside you pride and manly ego, Jeremy. I said I'll be comfortable sleeping on the floor! What would your mom say if she finds you like that in the morning?" With that, Jeremy was finally forced to relent.

- To Be Continued -

If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 2

Continued from If Only You Knew - Pt. 1

   Jeremy was still thinking of what to say to Mandy when they reached the music store. He called out to her. "Hey...Mandy!" Mandy turned with angry eyes. "I'm...I'm going inside," he gestured towards the store, "...to buy some CD," he stammered. Mandy's eyes were so cold they made his stomach flipped nervously. She followed him inside.

   A passerby looked quizzically up and down at Jeremy, causing him to feel uneasy. "What? I had a bad fall just now!" He was referring to his torn jeans. The man just walked away quickly, maybe afraid because of Jeremy's outburst. Jeremy shook his head and grumbled, "Aren't torn jeans supposed to be a fashion statement? Looking at me like I'm naked or something!" while looking at some Josh Groban's CDs. Mandy just giggled at that, making Jeremy a bit relieved because that meant Mandy was in a better mood then.

   Satisfied with Muse and Santana, Jeremy brought them to the counter. "What happened, Jeremy? Dog chase? Small tear in your jeans, son, but you were grumbling more than the Mayans when they ran out of calendar space while predicting the apocalypse. Heh." Burly but friendly Mr. Smith, the owner of the store greeted Jeremy. In response, Jeremy just shrugged with a half-hearted smile.

   On the way home, Mandy walked with anticipation. Each step she took almost had a happy little skip in it. Jeremy, on the other hand, was unnerved. What would his parents say if he brought home a girl that he himself barely knew? And how long is she going to stay? He couldn't just tell her to get lost, couldn't he? He didn't dared ask her anything for fear of it being a sensitive question. Suddenly, Mandy stopped walking.

"Jeremy? I had a favor to ask."

"What?"

 "Can you keep this a secret from everyone? Including your family."

"I don't know how on earth can I do that, Mandy. Someone's bound to find out. And I still can't believe that I agreed to let you live in my house!"

   Mandy laughed. "Don't worry. If you don't tell, no one's gonna find out. I assure you that I'm an expert in blending in and hiding. I've already done that in high school, remember?" Jeremy didn't quite understand what she meant by that, and her face looked discouraging although her tone was cheerful. Jeremy thought that maybe she also wasn't too sure of that herself. "Are you sure, Mandy? I'm not quite convinced. If this become known to the others, I'm the one who has to explain. You understand the consequences?" By that time, they had reached the front gate of his house.

"I do, Jeremy, I do. Pretend that I'm not there. I can handle myself."

"Pretend that you're not there? What nonsense! I don't know how the hell can you hide your-"

   "Jeremy! You're back. You're so late, dear." The door opened before Jeremy finished talking. He frozed, thinking that his mother probably saw Mandy. He didn't know how she managed to hide because he turned to see the door the instant his mother opened it, but luckily his mother had not said anything else. She ushered him into the house, and he didn't dare to look for Mandy. She told him to keep the secret, hadn't she? Well, he was doing her the favor now. Mrs. Dicken then went into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"What's for dinner?"

"Roasted chicken and salad. Go upstairs and change, would you? Then come down here and help me to prepare the table. Your aunt is coming."

"Aunt Garrie?"

"Yes. Now go. And hurry a bit, okay?"

   Still wondering about the whereabouts of Mandy, Jeremy entered his room and turned on the light absent-mindedly. Then he turned to throw his bag on the bed...

...where Mandy had been sitting.

 - To be continued -

Continued in If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 3

If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 1 (Warning! Mushy)

Here is the story that I promised you after The Wood and Dance Of Silence. Warning: Might not be suitable for those who despise mushy ♥♥♥ stories and have weak stomach. Be forewarned! Muahahahaha!~

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   Jeremy stopped walking when he saw the same girl again peering at him from behind the tree. He was puzzled. That girl couldn't possibly had wanted to talk to him, right? He didn't recognized her, but all morning she had been following him and had never once try to talk to him. She had disappeared when Jeremy turned to look but he could still see part of her skirt sticking out from one side of the tree. 'What does she want?' Although he was curious, Jeremy decided he would give her one last chance to introduce herself. She knew that he knew that she was there.

   So he continued walking. His destination was the music store situated next to his favorite fastfood joint, JoyLife.

   After a few minutes walking, Jeremy heard the rustle of leaves and turned in time to catch a glimpse of brunette hair. The girl had ducked behind a tree again this time. He was beginning to get angry. That girl couldn't be following anybody else, he was the only person walking along the road then. So he marched right up to the tree and demanded, "Why are you following me?"

   There was no answer. But Jeremy knew she was still there because of her black skirt. It stuck out prominently. "Well, aren't you going to answer me? I've noticed you since this morning, like a squirrel going from tree to tree. Haven't you learned your manners, spying on people like that?"

   At last, the girl stepped out from her hiding place. She was quite pretty, with almost gothic-like black-rimmed eyes. She looked guilty, and blurted out, "I'm so sorry, Jeremy.", before he could say anymore. Jeremy frowned.

"How did you know my name?"

   The girl didn't answer, she just looked down nervously. "Who are you? Aw, come on. I won't bite," Jeremy said impatiently. It was 7.30 and he was supposed to be home already.

"Okay, I'm tired of waiting for your explanation. I'm going."

   Having said that, he sauntered off, leaving the girl alone. In his haste to get away, Jeremy tripped over his own shoelace. "Ow! Damn." The girl, who was speechless when Jeremy left her, could not contain her laughter. She stopped when Jeremy glared at her. Smiling, she went over and held out her hand to help him get up, but already he was, brushing away the dirt on his jeans. "You saw me fell, and you had a good laugh about it. Now at least you should tell me your name, shouldn't you?" He took the opportunity to question the girl now walking beside him.

"My name is Mandy. And...I am going to live with you."

"What?!"

   Jeremy turned to face Mandy. "Are you my long lost cousin?" With such innocence in her big round eyes, Mandy answered. "No..."

"My sister, although unknown to me?"

"Nope."

"Did you know me from school?"

"Err...actually, yes..."

    "Then why don't I remember you? Let me see..." They started walking again, Jeremy trying his hardest to recall. "Mandy...Mandy...are you, though you look quite different...are you, by any chance..."

   "Yes?" Mandy said hopefully.

"Mandy Moore?"

   She seemed to crumble from disappointment. "No, that is the name of a singer and actress!" Jeremy grinned sheepishly. "Oh, yes, right." Mandy urged him, "Try again, Jeremy. You must remember me. We bumped against each other so often during high school!"

   Jeremy tried again, but he still couldn't remember. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, I really can't recall. The only person I remember whom I often bumped into was...it was Lily..."

   Mandy sensed Jeremy's tender voice and when she looked, his face had soften and for a moment, he seemed lost in a faraway thought. She suddenly realized that Jeremy probably never noticed her at all. 'Who are you kidding, Mandy? Just who do you think you were?' She thought sadly. But still...

"I'm still going to live with you, Jeremy. No matter what."

    "What? Oh..." Jeremy had momentarily forgotten about it. Then like a rock hitting him on the head, the meaning of it sunk into his comprehension. He whirled around. "No! I mean, why do you want to live with me? I don't even remember you. This whole idea is absolutely crazy!"

"No, it's not!"

"Yeah, it is! Are you pulling my leg or what? You might as well pull my butt too!"

"Jeremy, I don't have other place to go! I promise, there wouldn't be any trouble."

"My parent are gonna find out! Where are your parents, anyway?"

   The moment Jeremy said it, he knew he had made a mistake. That might be the cause of Mandy's problem. Maybe they were gone, and Mandy didn't have anybody else to turn to. But hadn't she got her friends? Or relatives? Tears had welled up in her eyes. She strode ahead of him and their walk continued in silence.

 - To be continued -

Continued in If Only You Knew - Story Pt. 2
 

The Wood : Part 6 (Final)

Continued from The Wood : Part 1, The Wood : Part 2,  The Wood : Part 3,  The Wood : Part 4, and The Wood : Part 5

   Seeing Zoey awake, the worried-looking Jill quickly fetched her a glass of water, and then tried to calm her bewildered friend. She was rambling about eggs, a forest, and what? Cyber? It all made no sense until Zoey got better as days passed by. After two weeks, she had became her normal self once more. Jill, who at first was as confused as Zoey was when she woke up from her coma, had now understood Zoey's initially strange reaction. After being told of the strange dream about the forest,  Jill in turn related to her friend on how her car had smashed into the back of a delivery truck, and it took quite some time to get her out of her crushed vehicle. Zoey shuddered when Jill filled her in on the details of the accident.

   Both of them pondered over Zoey's story after that. To her, the dream seemed so real that she thought she was transported to another place when she came out of coma at the hospital. To Jill, it sounded far-fetched. But she had to agree that whatever it was: a delusion, imagination or maybe a reality existing in another realm, it did sounded lovely and obviously magical. "No wonder you're in coma for so long, Zoey. I supposed you liked it better there."

   Zoey thought about what Jill said. True, she liked the wood better. It was like all discoveries and no worries for her. If she lives there, her life would be simple. But she'd rather have it simple and contented than living in luxury but being unhappy all the time. Then her mind was cut off the matter when Jill thrusted a colorful paper bag into her hands. Zoey reached inside, pulling out, if you would believe it, a small Stryber! "Jill! This is what Stryber looked like!" she exclaimed in delight.

"Stryber, huh? Thought you did mention something about 'cyber'. Merrick bought it for you. He came to visit you everyday, but he's been very busy lately and couldn't come as often."

   Zoey  was smiling broadly. "He did? He bought this? It's like he knew, right?" Jill just smirked, then laughed. "Look at that blissful mushy smile on your face! I suppose you and him possess some kind of mushy couple's telepathic ability or something similarly gross! Hey, hey-" Pretending to call out of the window, Jill shouted, "-hey! Get your feet down on earth this instant! You couldn't fly to heaven in a weak body like that!"

   Zoey chuckled and said, "I was just missing Stryber and here he is, all cute and cuddly..." Which made Jill winked mischeviously.

"You sure it's only Stryber? What about Merrick?"

"Jill- "

 "Okay, okay! ....But hey, didn't you said that in your dream you were supposed to deliver eggs to an old lady? Pffftt...what century were you in? Delivering eggs in baskets...does anybody even do that anymore?"

"Haha. I dunno, Jill. Totally weird. It was Mrs Flag. Or Flaig. Whatever. Why?"

   Jill giggled uncontrollably. "Oh..I remembered now, that truck-...delivery truck-...." Zoey impatiently tugged at her hand and urged her to speak properly. "Stop laughing and tell me!" She herself couldn't help laughing when seeing how comical Jill looked trying to explain.

"...-your car ran into.."

"Yes, well what about it?"

"...-the truck of an...egg selling company...owner, FAIG! What mojo brought that into your coma, girl??"

   Zoey laughed loudly, in fact, she was almost screaming with laughter that the nurse who passed by had rushed into the room, concerned. So that's where the character of Mrs. Faig came from in her dream!

- THE END -

 ~t h a n k s  f o r  y o u r  p a t r o n a g e !  c o m e  a g a i n ! *rings bell.dingdong.*~

P/s: There would be another story coming up...one that is mushy! Prepared to be ewwed and yucked! But if you like mushy love stories (Busted! Yes, you. Don't pretend to look somewhere else.) maybe you'll like it. So damn much that you're gonna puke. =p I'm gagging, yes. BUT! On the plus side, you're getting rid of the toxin in your body, right? RIGHT?

Bro...Kau Ni Kan...

i f  p i c  i s  s h a r e d  k i n d l y  l i n k  b a c k  o r  c r e d i t,  p l e a s e.  t h a n k s~

Bro, kau ni kan...aku tengah download cerita, sikit lagi nak habis...woh seronoknya nanti boleh tengok Grimm. Tau-tau, connection terputus! Arghh...kau duduk je situ tersengih.

Bro, kau ni kan...aku download lagi sekali dengan kesabaran yang berbaki. Tunggu punya punya tunggu, habis download. Oyeah! Saiz yang tertera kt download window pun betul, 151MB. Yes, I did it! Bukak folder, select 'Extract Here'.....yang aku dapat, 'Failed to open'. Arghh...kau duduk je situ tersengih.

Bro, kau ni kan...aku dengan paru-paru yang menggelegak try lagi. Kau duduk je situ tersengih sambil terkelip-kelip. Disconnected. BERKALI-KALI. Cis...

Bro, kau ni kan...banyak berjasa tapi. Thanks, bro...tapi buat masa sekarang bro, PENAH KENA LIBAS DENGAN EKOR SIPUT?? KAU NAK?! HUH??!

The Wood : Part 5

Continued from The Wood : Part 1, The Wood : Part 2,  The Wood : Part 3 and The Wood : Part 4

   When Stryber suddenly stood upright, fear gripped me. I felt for the knife on the table. But it turned and went out of the house. I saw it sniffed and circled a tree. The tree, which bore odd-looking fruits the size of football, was located on the left side of the house. It was just a small tree and I can easily reached for the fruits. I picked two, curious to know what's inside the coarse brown skin. Maybe Stryber would eat it. Next to it I saw, to my amazement, a biscuit tree! Well, not biscuit, really, more like a tidbits tree. It was really amazing, who had ever seen snacks grow on a tree before? The smooth, soft skin was transparent, almost like a plastic wrapper, which allowed me to see what's inside. It looked heavenly! Egg tarts, chocolates, sweets...my, my, what a feast we're going to have! I picked several of them to put inside the jars I found in one of the kitchen cupboard.

   I tried to hack open the 'football' fruit. One swing of the knife and the skin fell aside to reveal what's inside. Immediately Stryber sprang to my side. I looked and saw that the fruit contained meat! Laughing aloud, I understood then why Stryber was so attracted to it. I put those meat on a plate and then preceeded to open the next one. Shaking my head I muttered, "Will I cease to wonder? Now will there be a salt and sugar tree too?" I tried scouring the kitchen more thoroughly and finally I found them, sealed tightly in containers. 

   Nevertheless, I succeeded in making a satisfying 'bruncher' - breakfast plus lunch plus dinner. I was ravenous! I tucked in like a person who hadn't eaten for ten years!, Later I was lying on the sofa, contented but quite ashamed of the unladylike way I had gobbled up the whole pot. I bet Stryber was ashamed of me too. Hah. He was lying on the rug, satisfied with his dinner. The warm glow of the fireplace and a tired body soon drew me to sleep. I could still hear the music of the forest, accompanying me to slumberland.

   Before long I began to dream. I dreamt that I was in the hospital and my friend Jill was sitting next to my bed. I saw the situation as if I am another person in the room. I inched nearer to get a better look. What a state I was in! Covered in bandages, hooked up to the machine, IV bag...surely I didn't need that? How bad was my condition actually? It was so weird. This is considered a nightmare! I suddenly wanted to be inside that sick body. You know, just to get a taste of how it feels. Is it possible to do that in a dream? What a stupid feeling, who wanted to try feeling sick anyway? But maybe I could tell Stryber all about it during breakfast.

   I seeped, or dissolved, or whatever it is, into the body, and I immediately felt cold. I shuddered and instinctively knew that something wasn't right. I was wriggling inside, trying to find the perfect fit in the body so that I wouldn't be so uncomfortable like this. But then I decided that it was no use and after all, it's a dream and honestly, I was starting to dislike it. I struggled with all my strength to break free again. It was terribly painful, and it struck me that maybe this is how it feels in the sick body. I hate the uneasiness that lurked in every part of it. I felt stiff and hot. I didn't feel belonged. I yearned to be back in the cottage, lying in the coolness of the night. I want to stop this really, really bad nightmare! If only I could wake up. God,  I prayed, I don't want to be stuck in a time, at a place, that is unreal. I can't believe I'm caught in this, I thought. My strength was fading away...

   Just as I was beginning to lose hope, so sure that I was trapped forever...a firm grip on my hand pulled me back to the present. Stryber! My eyes snapped open. I saw Jill bending over me with a panicked look. Then I saw the concerned doctor and the nurse. Nobody else. My strained eyes searched the room, but everything was white and cream under the bright light. I didn't see any black stripes. I couldn't see Stryber and I was not at the cottage. I was not even in the wood. So, it's true...I was really stuck in the dream. Recognizing defeat, and feeling so weak and thoroughly confused, I drifted into sleep, determined to go back to the cottage again if I could 'dream' about it. I swore I would! Surrendering does not necessarily means defeat, right? I would get back to Stryber.

   Alas, I didn't. I was awake once again to find myself still in the same room, the same hospital ward, Jill by my side. I felt betrayed. Jill was in this! In some kind of conspiracy to keep me from the wood. Why? Because I didn't deliver Mrs Faig's eggs? I was going insane. Is there some kind of witchery? What else could have done this?

- To be continued -

Continued in The Wood : Part 6 (Final)

The Wood : Part 4

Continued from The Wood : Part 1, The Wood : Part 2 and The Wood : Part 3

   So I rose and began to walk slowly. It rose, too. I thought that it was going to pounce and I waited for the worst to happen, breaking in cold sweat. But it didn't, so I made a move, and the next, and the next, and the tiger followed me closely. Finally I felt at ease when it didn't harm me. I even tried to pat its head. When it didn't bite my hand or reacted aggresively, I knew that I've got a companion in the isolated forest.

   My stomach felt sucked in. By then I knew that I was really starving. Just then i caught sight of a cottage. My heart leaped with joy and I was smiling from ear to ear. "Come on!" I said to Stryber the tiger. Yes, that's the name I gave him. It bounded along the path beside me as I sped towards the cottage. When we reached the gate, I suddenly didn't know what to do. And I found out that the road ended there instead of a bend as I had predicted. Although I called out a few times, no one answered. I was convinced that I should go into the house because there was nowhere else for me to go.

   I pushed the creaking gate. It was not locked. Why didn't the owner oil the hinge? It sounded terribly creepy. Going up to knock on the door, I stayed near Stryber all the time. No one opened the door. I twisted the knob. It was not locked too. I debated with myself whether to go in or not. What's the worst that can happen? After all Stryber was with me. It will kind of be like Goldilocks and the three bears, won't it, only I didn't have golden locks. Oh well, who cares?

   When I got in, I was astounded. The furniture were covered with white cloths and everything was so dusty. It's clear that no one had lived in the house for quite some time. "Let's stay here, Stryber. At least for now." Stryber just watched as I pulled off the covering on the furniture and coughed when dust filled the air. I had to go out of the house for a while until the dust settled. I discovered where the kitchen was and that there was only one bedroom. The toilet was near the kitchen, on the northeast corner. It's an old-fashioned house, but there's a fridge and an old stove. I found the broom and as I swept away the dust, my stomach suddenly growled with hunger. I had forgotten how hungry I was in my excitement of exploring the house. I hurried to the kitchen and found where the cutlery and cooking utensils were in the kitchen cupboard. But where could I get the food? The thought hit me so suddenly. I looked out of the kitchen window, hoping to spot any edible plant or fruit. To my delight, I saw that there were many kinds of it growing all over in the garden. No wonder, since there's nobody to take care of them. Except, maybe, magic? I opened the kitchen door that led into the backyard. It was quite large. I brought with me a basket to put in all the vegetables. Stryber followed behind as I plucked, picked and dug potatoes, carrots, beans, radishes, toamtoes, cabbages...before long my basket was full and I went to have two more picking trips. I put all of them in the fridge. Stryber sniffed at the basket. 'What a cat!' I smiled to myself. Then I remembered. He must eat meat! Where am I going to find it? Salt, spices...oh...I sat on the chair with resignation. I turned to Stryber. "Stryber, can you bear eating vegetables just like that everyday? Are you going to hunt for your own food or do I have to prepare it for you? Hey, I'm not your food, right?" He just looked at me with inquiring eyes. I just hoped that he didn't suddenly decided to have me for dinner!

- To be continued -

Cerita Keanak-Anakan : Daripada Tak Marah Jadi Marah

Angin bertiup nyaman, sesepoi ikan koi yang berenang-renang ke tepian.

Mon Mon berasa seronok menikmati suasana petang yang damai di apartment barunya. Dia baru berpindah ke Cameron Highland seminggu lepas.

Aahh...sungguh gembira rasa hati..baik gi jalan-jalan, bisik hati kepada tuan.

Mon mengenakan cardigan kuning yang baru dibeli semalam. Memang kuning warna faveretnya. Dalam perjalanan menuruni tangga dia bertembung dengan jirannya, Eri.

   "Hai, Mon, apsal masam je?"
   "Eh, mana ada. Kau dari mana Eri?"
   "Beli lauk..."
   "Ok...aku gi dulu k. Nak jalan-jalan jap."
   "Elok la tu...aku tengok kau macam ada masalah je. Gi la ambil angin tenangkan fikiran."
   "Eh tak la, aku ok je..."

Mon meneruskan perjalanan. Angin segar Cameron tambah menyenangkan. Ramai lagi muka-muka yang tak dikenali di situ, maklumlah ini kali pertama dia keluar berjalan-jalan sejak pindah ke situ. Dalam ramai-ramai tu dia terserempak jugak la dengan Pak Amidamida, tauke kedai runcit dan juga rakan sekerjanya Ros.

Pak Amidamida menegur, "Baru nampak kamu arini, Mon. Tak singgah kedai beli barang?"

   "Tak, Pak Amidada.. eh, Pak Amidamada. .Ami. .Amidi...err...Pak-"
   " -Amidamida la nak. Alzheimer tol kamu ni."
   "Nama pakcik memang stail-stail nama yang buat orang Alzheimer."
   "Nama adik pakcik lagi hebat, leh buat orang biol."
   "Apa nama adik pakcik?"
   "Abioliol."
   "Biol jugak bila dipikir-pikir..."
   "Kan? Ayah pakcik dulu tak pandai nak eja nama Alfonso Albuquequer atau Christopher Columbus-"
   "-sebab tu dia bagi nama biol tu?"
   "Tau takpe. Yang kamu ni kenapa emo semacam ni?"
   "Mane ade, pakcik. Apsal cakap camtu?"
   "Muka emo je. Kamu bengang kan nama pakcik dan adik pakcik hebat-hebat?"
   "Adeh pakcik ni...saya tak emo langsung. Cemburu jauh sekali pakcik. No, no, no..."
   "Takpelah...nama kat IC boleh tukar kan. Sabar ye nak..."
   "Mungkin pakcik tak tau yang betapa saya tengah bersabar sekarang. Boleh saya pergi dulu pakcik?"   
   "Gi la Mon si muka masam..."

Mon Mon mengepal penumbuk. Ikut hati nak je dia jadikan nama Pak Amidamida jadi Abioliol. Meanwhile, Ros pula tengah bersiar-siar juga dengan kawannya...

   "Eh, Mon! Tau plak kau nak cari jalan sampai ke sini eh!"   
   "Yela Ros, kalau tak bila lagi kan."
   "Sorang je ke?"
   "Haah..."
   "Alah kau, ajak la sapa-sapa teman. Senyum banyak sikit, kau upah anjing tulang dinasour pun dia tak nak kalau tengok muka kau macam susu."
   "Susu...?"
   "Masam."
   "Fine."

Mon berlalu pergi dengan aura yang panas lagi membahang. Dingin di tanah tinggi tidak mampu menyejukkan hatinya lagi. Elok-elok mood tengah baik jadi mood nak fire ala otromen sekelian penduduk kampung yang ada.

Sebulan berlalu...

Dua bulan...

Tiga bulan...

Empat...

5 ...

Mon tepon kakaknya. "Kak, saya nak pindah."
   
   "Nape plak?"
   "Saya give up la. Muke saya garang sangat ke? "
   "Takla, cuma..."
   "Cuma?"
   "Masam."
   "Eii...ni mau kene pelempang premium ni...."
   "Dik, muka kita memang masam...maafkan akak sebab tak bagitau awal-awal..."
   "Ape kakak cakap ni?"
   "Nama sebenar kau Lemon. Nama akak pulak Limau."

Dan muka Mon menjadi masam semasam masamnya....... (T_T)



P/s : Tau...crita ni memang bangang....terimalah hakikat ye. ;]

~ Seasonal Dreams With You ~

 

When summer comes, we will walk together down the beach

To watch the small waves reach the sandy shore and wet our feet

And indulge in warm seawater where big, strong waves splash over us

Feeling the freedom at heart and all worries swept away as the sun sets

Building up courage to face tomorrow together.

When autumn comes, in our long coats we shall stroll down the streets

To watch the world and its beauty within the grey skies and the fallen leaves

Continuing the easy strides in the wood, all yellow and red and brown

Knowing how green it would be again when the time comes

Like our hopes, renewed each day and our relationship gets better in every way

When winter comes, we sit by the fireplace, warmed and comforted from the cold

Silent as the night might be and so white the falling snow makes the world outside

But inside, we talk meaningful conversation, the glow of the fire on our faces

Accepting the opportunities as a rare gift, a big loss to pass it by

The lessons we learn from each other walk each step with us in life, till we die

  

When spring comes, we celebrate the joy fresh little flowers bring with them

Emerging everywhere, putting a smile in every faces we see

Stirring up emotions in many hearts, making the challenges of life bearable

And each new day will be welcomed with open hands and broader perspectives

In new light we will see things, making us more positive

♥ With you, my life settles in full view
♥ And from all the obstacles and hindrances that come my way
♥ You teach me not to withdraw
♥ I would not, because though you are no angel and as you said
♥ That everyone is not perfect
♥ You are still part of my strength and no matter how well i can swim
♥ When i suffer cramps you will be there as my buoy
♥ And so, while with you my life settles in full view
♥ Without you, it crumbles to pieces and it may take an eternity before I heal...

I Just Want To Hibernate

~A TEMPORARY RETREAT...~

t h e  w o r l d  c o u l d  b e  m a d e  o f  d a r k e r  c o l o u r s 

 i t  s e e m s  a t  t h e  m o m e n t 

 t h e  f e e l i n g s  a r e  w e i g h i n g  m e  d o w n 

 i t' s  a  w o n d e r 
 t h a t  i  d o n' t  c r u m b l e  f r o m  t h e  b u r d e n 

 i t' s  n o t  t h a t  i  g i v e  u p  o n  l i f e 

 i  j u s t  w a n t  t o  h i b e r n a t e 

 g o i n g  i n t o  a  d e e p e r  s t a t e  o f  m i n d 

 w h e r e  i  d o n' t  h a v e  t o  t h i n k 

 a n d  r e g u l a r l y  r o b b e d  m o m e n t a r i l y 

 o f  i n n e r  p e a c e  b y  s o m e t h i n g 

 t h o u g h  i  h o p e  t h e  r e s p o n s i b i t i e s  i  c a r r y 

 s h a p e  u p  a  b e t t e r  m e 

 s o m e t i m e s  i  f e e l  t i r e d 

 i  j u s t  w a n t  t o  h i b e r n a t e 

 i  k n o w,  i' m  b l e s s e d  t o  h a v e  a  s e n s i t i v e  h e a r t 

 t h a t  c o u l d  f e e l  p a i n  a n d  j o y 

 m o r e  t h a n  s o m e  o t h e r s 

 b u t  w h e n  i t  f e e l s  e m p t y 

 i t  g r i p s  s o  h a r d 
 t h a t  i  w a n t  t o  b e  r i d  o f  m y  g u t 

 c a u s e  t h a t' s  w h e r e 

 i t  e n v e l o p s  t h e  s t r o n g e s t 

 t h a t  i  j u s t  w a n t  t o  h i b e r n a t e 

 i  w a n t  t o  s t o p  b r e a t h i n g 

 i  w a n t  t o  s t o p  t h i n k i n g 

 t o  g o  b a c k  t o  t h e  p u r e r  m e 

 w i t h  l e s s  g u i l t  a n d  h a t e 

 w i t h  m o r e  i n n o c e n c e 

 i n  m y  h e a r t  a n d  m y  h e a d 

 s i m p l y  p u t,  i  j us t  w a n t  t o  h i b e r n a t e.