Scribbles under the stars

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Have you cried while feeling so broken and alone, so lost that you felt like you are going insane, that to stop that crushing pain you really just had to hold your own hands tightly the way two persons would, hoping for the little comfort that you so desperately needed..because that comfort, is now a stranger.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Have you ever had to literally cover your ears, to stop hearing the conversation you wish you didn't had, or the things you wish you didn't hear, replaying again and again in your mind?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know when you truly genuinely wish for someone to have the best things in life, but your heart just proceeded to override your brain, eventually vandalizing your words and actions.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Then you scolded yourself over and over for the stupid things you did or said, promising yourself you'll be better, then end up losing the battle to your heart in split second? Ambushed by your own self without even had the chance to think twice. Shame on you, brain.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know what it feels like to miss someone terribly, but couldn't even text properly or have a decent call anymore, because life. Life happens.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you understand how it feels to have to convince yourself that something better is coming to you..

...over and over again? Each day?

After losing what feels like the best?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know how hard it is to go through routine without the most likable parts of it in it? 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

And through those times when the pain suddenly hits, your heart beats wildly and you just want to collapse somewhere to recover, but cant.

Because you are somewhere you don't really want to be doing something you don't really feel like doing, around other people who are oblivious to your struggles.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know how hard it is wishing and praying for someone's happiness while knowing that you are not a part of it anymore?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The weight of emotions can be really crippling. Many people will agree. After all, we are just human.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Why Do You Still Keep Her Picture?

You said she's just a stranger

And she said the same

But she sent you a picture

Her looking so pretty

You said you and her could probably be together

If there is no me

Imagine how i feel hearing about that

Knowing love is fading in your heart

You're so suffocated

A caged bird for so long

Longing to be free

A desire so strong

She's someone who's passing by

While you're stuck at a junction

Greetings turned into conversations

Then you're listening to her heart

Soon she's into you

What am i to do?

I can't blame love

When love is blind

When you and her parted ways

Why do you still keep her picture?

She was such a stranger

But of course, she's pretty and probably much nicer

If things really end

Then i really don't understand

Why do you still keep her picture

Even when i point it out to you

It's still in your phone

Do you like to be reminded of her?

Maybe that's why you still keep her picture

And never ask for mine anymore.

Short Term Memory Defense

It's nice to have short term memory for all the bad things. But too much of a good thing don't always turn out to be good, right?

How can you settle those petty arguments when you can't even remember the insults that were said minutes before?

How can you argue fairly if what you remember is selective? Is it a curse or a disease? Either way, i don't think it's much of a blessing.

Forgetting the hate and pain is always good for healing. But forgetting without actually healing, isn't it like running away?

What do you do when you finally realize that you're running away, unintentionally? Would you cut open the wounds again to deal with them once and for all? To remove the embedded bullets? How do you recall the bitter memories that you thought were behind you and can no longer bother you?

Sometimes it feels easier to just shut things out and left it in a messy pile behind us. That is, until something comes up and forces us to return to it. But if possible, there's always the option of just letting it be until it rot away by itself, even if it nips at us once in a while. Now that, maybe I can live with. Sometimes we just develop really thick fort in our minds, where unpleasant things are not welcomed for a long stay and either get kicked out without notice, or dealt with appropriately (how fortunate of it), or just gets thrown in a dark, nearly nonexistent corner until it gets due notice, which is none, and never. Preferably.

I think short term memory may help to forget but not necessarily forgive. It could have been developed through series of very bad experiences, as a way of the brain to stay composed and keep from collapsing. Hit after hit, how long can one withstand the pressure?

The problems that we face, would we know the immediate solution every time? Some takes time, and some takes forever.

Too many questions. Help me solve this.

Battle With Betrayal

 The pain of betrayal

Grips like hellfire

Endless tears in your heart

Silent words nobody hears

The darkness of night pulls you down

And alone you drown

The sun saves you each day

But forever it can never stay

Deep inside you could hear a sound

A faint cry for help

But no one is around

And lies come after lies

All you've seen and believe in

Illusions made for you

They shatters, and your little world crumbles

Truth does make you stronger

But it also makes you colder

Why wouldn't it be

When you lost something you protected with such ferocity

Something you thought would never leave you

Even when the whole world walks out on you

You kneel in desperation

Grasping blindly for fragments of truth

Piercing your numb fingers mercilessly

You look up at the sky

Hoping to see the sun

Just to realize that the storm is coming

In defeat you lay on the ground

Washed in sorrow

Helplessly uttering no sound

No sound at all.

When Sleep Eludes...

░  The room is silent -

-  The air is still  ░

░  The inner soul is shredded  -

-  With a darkening cloud  ░

░  Energy runs low  -

-  And chest feels tight  ░

░  There's a feeling of doom  -

-  Doesn't know why or what  ░

░  Hopes hide, fear emerges  -

-  What will happen, what does one deserves  ░

 ░ Hands come together in prayers  -

-  Willing the black fog to leave  ░

░  Wanting to see a brightly lit path  -

-  Or even someone waiting  ░

░  But no matter how hard you think  -

-  There's no way out  ░

  ░  All that's left to do  -

-  Is how your head  ░

░  Recall your flaws, wishing not to be dead.  -

*Pagi ni jeles ngan aku, tak nak bagi aku tido. Daripada aku terkebil-kebil macam orang sakit jiwa tunggu tido datang, so baiklah aku terhegeh-hegeh di sini sekejap menghabiskan tenaga yang ada supaya boleh mengumpan tido balik. Anyway tetamu-tetamu sekalian, apa macam lepak kat taman aku yang tak seberapa ni? Kalau best, terimalah kasih tapi kalau tak best salahkan tukang kebun! Haha. Harap korang semua enjoy, kalau enjoy bolehlah menderma, donation box ada di mana-mana ye. Masjid, kedai, McD, depan bank...hehehehe. Oklah, nak gi cari tido balik, main hide and run pulak masa ni. Sebelum tu, tukang kebun aku saja nak pesan kat korang, Be careful of what you choose to do in life. Think more. (Sila baca dengan sound effect yang misteri dari alam mimpi) Apebende lagi, tukang kebun? Oh, tu je. Tukang kebun aku memang suka buat ayat cambest. Tu pasal la kebun aku tak terjaga. Hahahaa...tp kalau suka taman aku ni, sekali lagi time kaseyyyy! Betul cakap tukang kebun tu, ayat tu nampak je simple tapi penting. Hargailah hidup anda. Satu tindakan mampu menghancurkan hidup sekelip mata dan selama-lamanya, walaubagaimanapun walau apa pun (panjangnya huahua) yang terjadi harungilah dengan segenap kekuatan kerana hanya Tuhan yang tahu segala-galanya yang akan terjadi. Walau jatuh tersungkur ke dalam kerak bumi sekalipun pastikan cari balik semangat anda tak kira lah berapa lama nak dapatkan balik. There is always something in this life for everyone. Oklah, walaupun dh nak kul 10 pagi tapi nenek aku paksa aku tido balik ni. Katanya selagi tak pukul 3 petang selagi tu la jangan bangun!!! Haha jual nama nenek lak, just kidding..... (Merangkak balik lam selimut ala siput)

These Torturous Feelings That You Don't Understand

'We all experience sorrow in our lives...there were times when it got too much and sometimes we wonder, how did I manage to get thru that?'

        You can't think of anything other than wanting to scream      

      To have a fit, to smash everything you can get your hands on    

                    To stomp until your bones crack                   

                    To punch until your fists bleed                   

         An urge to destroy so powerful it reaches out to evil        

a

                   But you can only sit down and cry                  

                      Mourn the pain in your soul                     

                   Not knowing why you feel that way                  

                    Afraid of becoming a bad person                   

                       A time bomb in your heart                      

                        A grief so unfathomable                       

        You even tried sitting motionless to stop from hurting        

                     And end up crying even harder                    

                You wish someone would come and save you              

                    Stop the sorrow from killing you                  

              Stay with you and hear what you want to say             

   Soothe the crippling cold fire and keep you from wondering astray  

                  You pray, you did, for self control                 

            For the life-saving smiles when patience is poor          

                  Until you find that you've recovered                

                The deadly fire that burned became ashes              

                      Feeling subdued and defeated                    

                         Too tired to care                            

                Thinking maybe this is your way to heal               

                             Then it starts                           

                             All over again                           

         These torturous feelings that you don't understand...