Scribbles under the stars

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Have you cried while feeling so broken and alone, so lost that you felt like you are going insane, that to stop that crushing pain you really just had to hold your own hands tightly the way two persons would, hoping for the little comfort that you so desperately needed..because that comfort, is now a stranger.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Have you ever had to literally cover your ears, to stop hearing the conversation you wish you didn't had, or the things you wish you didn't hear, replaying again and again in your mind?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know when you truly genuinely wish for someone to have the best things in life, but your heart just proceeded to override your brain, eventually vandalizing your words and actions.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Then you scolded yourself over and over for the stupid things you did or said, promising yourself you'll be better, then end up losing the battle to your heart in split second? Ambushed by your own self without even had the chance to think twice. Shame on you, brain.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know what it feels like to miss someone terribly, but couldn't even text properly or have a decent call anymore, because life. Life happens.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you understand how it feels to have to convince yourself that something better is coming to you..

...over and over again? Each day?

After losing what feels like the best?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know how hard it is to go through routine without the most likable parts of it in it? 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

And through those times when the pain suddenly hits, your heart beats wildly and you just want to collapse somewhere to recover, but cant.

Because you are somewhere you don't really want to be doing something you don't really feel like doing, around other people who are oblivious to your struggles.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Do you know how hard it is wishing and praying for someone's happiness while knowing that you are not a part of it anymore?

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The weight of emotions can be really crippling. Many people will agree. After all, we are just human.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Short Term Memory Defense

It's nice to have short term memory for all the bad things. But too much of a good thing don't always turn out to be good, right?

How can you settle those petty arguments when you can't even remember the insults that were said minutes before?

How can you argue fairly if what you remember is selective? Is it a curse or a disease? Either way, i don't think it's much of a blessing.

Forgetting the hate and pain is always good for healing. But forgetting without actually healing, isn't it like running away?

What do you do when you finally realize that you're running away, unintentionally? Would you cut open the wounds again to deal with them once and for all? To remove the embedded bullets? How do you recall the bitter memories that you thought were behind you and can no longer bother you?

Sometimes it feels easier to just shut things out and left it in a messy pile behind us. That is, until something comes up and forces us to return to it. But if possible, there's always the option of just letting it be until it rot away by itself, even if it nips at us once in a while. Now that, maybe I can live with. Sometimes we just develop really thick fort in our minds, where unpleasant things are not welcomed for a long stay and either get kicked out without notice, or dealt with appropriately (how fortunate of it), or just gets thrown in a dark, nearly nonexistent corner until it gets due notice, which is none, and never. Preferably.

I think short term memory may help to forget but not necessarily forgive. It could have been developed through series of very bad experiences, as a way of the brain to stay composed and keep from collapsing. Hit after hit, how long can one withstand the pressure?

The problems that we face, would we know the immediate solution every time? Some takes time, and some takes forever.

Too many questions. Help me solve this.

These Torturous Feelings That You Don't Understand

'We all experience sorrow in our lives...there were times when it got too much and sometimes we wonder, how did I manage to get thru that?'

        You can't think of anything other than wanting to scream      

      To have a fit, to smash everything you can get your hands on    

                    To stomp until your bones crack                   

                    To punch until your fists bleed                   

         An urge to destroy so powerful it reaches out to evil        

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                   But you can only sit down and cry                  

                      Mourn the pain in your soul                     

                   Not knowing why you feel that way                  

                    Afraid of becoming a bad person                   

                       A time bomb in your heart                      

                        A grief so unfathomable                       

        You even tried sitting motionless to stop from hurting        

                     And end up crying even harder                    

                You wish someone would come and save you              

                    Stop the sorrow from killing you                  

              Stay with you and hear what you want to say             

   Soothe the crippling cold fire and keep you from wondering astray  

                  You pray, you did, for self control                 

            For the life-saving smiles when patience is poor          

                  Until you find that you've recovered                

                The deadly fire that burned became ashes              

                      Feeling subdued and defeated                    

                         Too tired to care                            

                Thinking maybe this is your way to heal               

                             Then it starts                           

                             All over again                           

         These torturous feelings that you don't understand...