I Lost You

In impatience, in ego

I lost you

In mindfulness that are too much

I lost you

In carelessness, foolishness

I lost you since the beginning

I lost you

I lost you

Promises that we uttered

Mutually broken

Sorry that I made us this way

Wish I could make us better

I touched your hands

But didn't grab them tight

Didn't hold them right

Even more when we fight

I saw your tears

Wiped them for you once, twice

But they've never really stopped

Not with all these lies

How could I make you walk

This thorny path with me

If I couldn't even pick the roses for you

Couldn't at the very least shield you with warmth

Melting the cold, hard jabs of the world

How could I

When you did everything for me.

And I did nothing for you.

Couldn't stand me lacking too much

That it's finally wearing you down

Finally wearing you down

Finally wearing you down

You won't free yourself

And I know it's not right

To keep you in my messy life

So I let you go

Let you go now

Go now before you're broken further

And I'll get my act together

In regret forever

That I lost you.

When I become better

If in your heart you have no other

I'll come back

I'll find you…

…

…

…

That’s what I thought before.

But this moment looks me in the eye

Told me to quit harassing you

Told me to quit trying to be someone that I can never be

Quit lying to myself that I can be better

When in fact, I’ll never be able to

Because I’m never good enough in the first place

I’ve never been good enough.

In the pit of lies you’ve thrown me back into

This is not taking the easy way out

This is just getting tired of hurting us

So I’ll stay here now

And save you the hassle of reliving this hell.

Short Term Memory Defense

It's nice to have short term memory for all the bad things. But too much of a good thing don't always turn out to be good, right?

How can you settle those petty arguments when you can't even remember the insults that were said minutes before?

How can you argue fairly if what you remember is selective? Is it a curse or a disease? Either way, i don't think it's much of a blessing.

Forgetting the hate and pain is always good for healing. But forgetting without actually healing, isn't it like running away?

What do you do when you finally realize that you're running away, unintentionally? Would you cut open the wounds again to deal with them once and for all? To remove the embedded bullets? How do you recall the bitter memories that you thought were behind you and can no longer bother you?

Sometimes it feels easier to just shut things out and left it in a messy pile behind us. That is, until something comes up and forces us to return to it. But if possible, there's always the option of just letting it be until it rot away by itself, even if it nips at us once in a while. Now that, maybe I can live with. Sometimes we just develop really thick fort in our minds, where unpleasant things are not welcomed for a long stay and either get kicked out without notice, or dealt with appropriately (how fortunate of it), or just gets thrown in a dark, nearly nonexistent corner until it gets due notice, which is none, and never. Preferably.

I think short term memory may help to forget but not necessarily forgive. It could have been developed through series of very bad experiences, as a way of the brain to stay composed and keep from collapsing. Hit after hit, how long can one withstand the pressure?

The problems that we face, would we know the immediate solution every time? Some takes time, and some takes forever.

Too many questions. Help me solve this.

A Fool During A Hot Day.

If there's a river nearby or even a creek, hell, I'd take a bath in my work clothes during lunch break. Maybe I won't even wait for lunch break.

A fool during a hot day : In 5 minutes I've changed my sitting spots three times, maybe more, to find the shadiest, coolest part of this zinc-roofed, wooden cabin I'm working in. Turned out to be on the floor. Then at one corner of the wall. Oh, and under the table (tried to squeeze under but gave up, only because my hat was too big I couldn't get under comfortably). Yes, I shamelessly wear big, big hats that might have had people mistaken me as a gardening granny, shoveling earth in the middle of the road.

My face was forever frowning that you would think I am eternally constipated. My Chinese fan is getting worn out and broken.

In this kind of weather, it's a wonder that I could still feel sleepy. But my brain was still active and it's saying hothothot! I think the clock in my brain outran the time itself. How? When I thought 15 minutes had passed, the clock showed that it's only been 3. My brain is Usain Bolt and the clock is a snail! Yeah! *nonsensenonsense*

Desperate situation calls for desperate measure . . . so I took a desperate action :

Ah . . . what bliss . . . no matter how temporary it was . . . by using a wet baby wipe, my face felt heavenly refreshed . . . like a baby's bottom . . .

..............

......................

.............................

What did you mean by does it really have to be that?

What?

It's baby wipes.

Anyway, how is it? Pretty good commercial lines, huh? Hurhurhur *puke*.

Ah . . . the feeling of being refreshed by the alcohol free, paraben free cooling veil that eased the heat . . . so nice . . . I don't care anymore. Hurhurhur~~~